“I’m never getting married again”

https://jamericanmuslimah.files.wordpress.com/2008/05/marriage.jpg

I was thinking about Charles’ recent post about our deaf, dumb and blind and reading the comments. I realize I am seeing an increase in BAM women who are  taking a break from Islam, the masjid or the Muslim community. I am also meeting more and more BAM women who say “I’m never getting married again.” The thing that really got my attention is that not all of them are saying it because they’re momentairly scorned or hurt. I think some of them really mean it.They’re tired of the “halal players”,  tired of brothers using Quran and Hadith to run game, simply tired of bearing the brunt of sexism, male chauvinism and sick of being mistreated by brothers.

Personally, I don’t think they should give up. As one of my close friends is fond of saying, “One monkey don’t stop no show!” While I understand where some sisters are coming from, I am not going to let one person or even a couple of people deprive me of my right to love again. If you truly believe in Allah and believe that Allah can do anything then I don’t see why some sisters can’t believe that Allah will provide. No matter how dismal it looks. I think we have to stop expecting brothers to be like Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w.) when we are not like Aisha (r.a.) So no one misunderstands me allow me a moment to clarify my thoughts:

Do I think sisters should lower their standards? NO.

Do I think sisters should accept abuse (emotional, physical, verbal or mental)? HELL NO!

Do I think sisters should put up with brothers’ disrepsect under the guise of being patient, supportive and pious? ABSOLUTELY NOT.

But I do think we need to be realistic and I do think a woman needs to think about what she can deal with and what she cannot- your basic tolerance level. What are you willing to accept and what aren’t you? And I think it’s going to be different for everyone. Some of the things that are deal breakers for me may not be deal breakers for the next person. (One sister told me she waited 10 YEARS for her husband to get back on his deen and stop drinking and womanizing. I personally don’t have that kind of patience).

Subhanallah, this marriage thing is tough. Believe me, I KNOW. But you know what? I’m not giving up on it and I hope my sisters don’t either. As Mary J. sang:

 “It aint all roses/flowers and posin’/said it aint all candy/this love stuff is demanding/sometimes I need a hug…” 

*Nodding head vigorously* 

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9 responses to ““I’m never getting married again”

  1. Asalaamu alaikum.

    I appreciate this post so much, ukhti! I am a sister who says “I’ll probably never get married again, Allahu alim”. And part of why I say it IS because of trifling brothers… but that’s not the only reason; it’s also because I know I have some serious issues that I have to work on to be a better wife, and because I still am very in love with my last husband, a year and a half later, and don’t feel good to marry one man while still caring this much for another.

    Personally, I’m not looking to marry again, and mostly I’m okay with that. But I realize I could change my mind too, and we plan, but Allah is the best of planners. 🙂 I put it this way: “I’m not looking to marry again, right now I don’t want to marry again, but inshaAllah, if my Shaykh tells me I should I will marry who he suggests”. LOL, having to go through my Shaykh as my wali is libel to keep the dogs away anyway, and inshaAllah if I ever do marry again it will be another mureed of my Shaykh. 🙂

  2. ASA Amina,

    See, I think it’s one thing to need time; time to heal, to deal with feelings from a previous marriage, for self-development etc. and it’s another thing to say you don’t want to get married again out of a sense of hopelessness. I’m not sure if it came across in my post well enough but it’s the hopelessness that I’m encouraging sisters to do away with. I may be wrong but it doesn’t sound like you’re ruling out marriage completely. Sounds like you just need some time.

    Then again, who I am to tell sisters what to do, right? It’s their choice. I just don’t want them to give up because it looks dismal right now. And I feel this way especially for the sisters I’m close to who are good people and deserve to have love in their life. 🙂

  3. Asalaamu alaikum.

    Oh no, I think you were clear in your post, ukhti. 🙂 I know that I get some advice for my stance too though by sisters who think that what I describe is hopelessness. To me, it’s not. 🙂 Though I have no shame to say that I really really don’t think I would ever marry a brother from my current community. I’m looking for something different, inshaAllah, if I ever look again. And the thing is, I’m OK with not marrying again. That’s what I think bothers sisters; that it’s not just needing to heal etc. but actually just not prioritizing marriage. I’m not worried that I can’t be loved, but just don’t particularly care to be married again – which I think is different. It’s not my biggest goal, biggest need, biggest worry. If it comes up, I’ll deal with it inshaAllah, but I’m not looking for it, and really suspect that I may never actively look for it again. But around here, to say “I’m not looking to get married” is the huge “something is seriously wrong with you” kinda thing. 🙂 You know, you can’t turn a brother down without it turning into some HUGE issue and everyone talking about it.

  4. Salaams Sister Aaminah:

    My husband and I were divorced once – for three years. He divorced me. I loved him desperately the whole time, even though I remarried out of hopelessness (to a loser who I eventually left).

    But Alhamdulillah, Allah (swt) brought him back to me. My husband and I both had issues that we needed to work on. But Allah (swt) is the Best of planners!

  5. Pingback: Friday Links 5-23-08 « Aaminah Hernández

  6. Salaam ‘alaikum,
    I just got out of a bad marriage alhamdullillah where I was patient for 7 years and have no regrets because I feel I did absolutely everything possible to save the marriage. I feel exactly the same way as Aaminah, subhanAllah. I’m open to meeting new men, but I’ve done the married thing and being single and on my own again is enough for me. If it comes, it comes, but if not, I think I’d be perfectly happy without a man in my life. When I was younger I had almost an obsessive need for a man, a need to have someone to love and have someone to love me. While I still feel that would be nice, I now realize that I can be whole without it. And I too am dealing with having feelings and don’t feel it would be fair to a brother to get married to him just to have someone or be in a relationship while I’m still dealing with those feelings. So, I’m not hopeless, it’s just not a priority for me. I’m not going to be looking for it. But if it were to fall in my lap, I wouldn’t turn it away (if I had taken care of my issues). I hope I’m making sense. 🙂 The only thing that kind of bothers me is that I’d really like a family, but I know right now I couldn’t handle that kind of responsibility and it will happen (if it is written for me) in due time insha’Allah. So I don’t waste time worrying about it because if it’s meant to happen it will, and there’s nothing we can do about it, and the same if it’s not meant to happen. Anyway, just thought I’d second Aaminah’s thoughts… 🙂
    Wassalam,
    Callista

  7. as salaamu alaikum
    may Allah reward that sister who waited those ten long years for her husband to become a real husband. i know i would not have been that patient…not the one for that. i would not remarry with young children in the home, especially girls, because i really just would not trust a brother enough to potentially expose my children to any sort of abuse. Allah knows best.

  8. as salaamu alaykum,

    You know, Muslimalocs, I occasionally hear sisters state they won’t remarry because a man might abuse their daughters. Most of them have no other positive male role models for their daughters. I wonder if we also consider the problems our daughters face by not having a caring male role model in their lives. I wonder if we consider the disadvantage of children who grow up without a loving, dedicated two-parent family upon whom they can model their own families.

    The majority of men are not abusers and to deprive our children of the above based on the slight possibility that a man may be that does our families a huge disservice. All of this is assuming that mom does not have a history of choosing such men, or is not dealing with some other factors that my skew her ability to judge.

  9. Pingback: I’m Never Getting Married Again 2 « Jamerican Muslimah’s Veranda

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