I was thinking about Charles’ recent post about our deaf, dumb and blind and reading the comments. I realize I am seeing an increase in BAM women who are taking a break from Islam, the masjid or the Muslim community. I am also meeting more and more BAM women who say “I’m never getting married again.” The thing that really got my attention is that not all of them are saying it because they’re momentairly scorned or hurt. I think some of them really mean it.They’re tired of the “halal players”, tired of brothers using Quran and Hadith to run game, simply tired of bearing the brunt of sexism, male chauvinism and sick of being mistreated by brothers.
Personally, I don’t think they should give up. As one of my close friends is fond of saying, “One monkey don’t stop no show!” While I understand where some sisters are coming from, I am not going to let one person or even a couple of people deprive me of my right to love again. If you truly believe in Allah and believe that Allah can do anything then I don’t see why some sisters can’t believe that Allah will provide. No matter how dismal it looks. I think we have to stop expecting brothers to be like Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w.) when we are not like Aisha (r.a.) So no one misunderstands me allow me a moment to clarify my thoughts:
Do I think sisters should lower their standards? NO.
Do I think sisters should accept abuse (emotional, physical, verbal or mental)? HELL NO!
Do I think sisters should put up with brothers’ disrepsect under the guise of being patient, supportive and pious? ABSOLUTELY NOT.
But I do think we need to be realistic and I do think a woman needs to think about what she can deal with and what she cannot- your basic tolerance level. What are you willing to accept and what aren’t you? And I think it’s going to be different for everyone. Some of the things that are deal breakers for me may not be deal breakers for the next person. (One sister told me she waited 10 YEARS for her husband to get back on his deen and stop drinking and womanizing. I personally don’t have that kind of patience).
Subhanallah, this marriage thing is tough. Believe me, I KNOW. But you know what? I’m not giving up on it and I hope my sisters don’t either. As Mary J. sang:
“It aint all roses/flowers and posin’/said it aint all candy/this love stuff is demanding/sometimes I need a hug…”
*Nodding head vigorously*