I’m Never Getting Married Again 2

It’s amazing how things change in a year. Last May I wrote this post about Muslim women who have said they’re never getting married again. I strongly urged sisters to rethink their stance and said: “I am not going to let one person or even a couple of people deprive me of my right to love again. If you truly believe in Allah and believe that Allah can do anything then I don’t see why some sisters can’t believe that Allah will provide. No matter how dismal it looks.” While I still stand by that statement, I have to say, the thought of never getting married again has crossed my mind on a regular basis. It’s not that I don’t believe Allah can provide for me- because I do- it’s just sad to see the same ole stuff from brothers. I can definitely understand why sisters get tired of trying to sort through brother after brother, hoping for the right match. And even when you think you’ve found the right match you can never be sure. The brother can turn out to be a real beast. (And we already know how many communities protect triflin’ brothers but have no problem outing triflin’ sisters).

I’m not seriously looking for anyone right now but I’ve had brothers try to holler at me. These schmucks have given me pause- FOR REAL. There’s the ex-con, the ultra aggressive chauvinist, the brother who told me “paradise lies under the foot of the husband”, the deceiver, the game player and so much more. What a sad situation!

So, let me say to the sisters I wrote about back in May of last year: I am totally feelin’ you. Last year I didn’t fully understand where you’re coming from but I do now. Am I suggesting that I’ve given up on getting married again? No. But there are times when I feel like it’s not worth it. During those times I think about resigning myself to traveling, reading, studying, cats, and enjoying the companionship of male relatives. No headache and no b.s.

As the old song goes, I can do bad by myself.

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19 responses to “I’m Never Getting Married Again 2

  1. Sister,

    Enjoy your life. If it is to happen, it will happen organically when you aren’t expecting it. I don’t presume to know you, but as a sister in her 30’s – we have distinct personalities set in and finding a man who is both righteous and not oppressive in some ways (don’t jump on me now, there is some truth is hard). As an example my hubby, very knowledgeable about his deen and where it interacts with culture insisted a “good” muslim woman doesn’t go out after dark. I had plans to visit a girlfriend next town over – it gets dark at 4:30 – and excuse me? He couldn’t understand how I would perceive it as oppressive, especially in relation to his staying out until 1-2am drinking tea and playing cards with the boys (because that is different). But back to you, finding a solid guy who is going to continue to let you do the things you love (I gather you have an active social and work and web life) – it will take a special fella. Just make sure you stipulate every little detail on your contract if you do remarry- then you can wave it in his face – I can go to Tai Chi, is says right here!! We converts almost never value the power of a nitpicky marriage contract. If only I could go back, I would insist on being able to stay out until 6PM! 🙂

    • Call me naive Zahra but I don’t want to be in the kind of marriage where I’m required to stipulate everything in a contract. I’m an adult woman with intelligence and so much more and I want someone who can respect me as an equal without having to spell it.

  2. I’ve never been married before, so I can’t comment on that specifically. But I do understand the whole thing about sorting through brothers and trying to find the right one. It’s a difficult process. With me, the issue has often been that non-Muslim men are interested or the Muslim men I’ve encountered have been either (a) not remotely concerned about their deen, (b) only concerned about their deen when it’s convenient to them, (c) abusive [physically, emotionally, verbally], (d) “triflin'” [i.e. – no job, no education, has kids he’s not taking care of, etc.].

    I want to get married, and if Allah wills, I will get married soon enough. But there have been times where I was thinking, “You know, I don’t think I ever WILL get married. These brothers are ridiculous.” And recently, I was thinking, “I’m so satisfied with my social, professional, and educational life and the fact that I am independent, that I don’t feel like getting married.” Guys can definitely be a headache. It’s so much easier not having to worry about them.

    • Xey, I am so feelin’ you. Non-Muslim men LOVE me. I practically have to beat them off with a stick, lol. At the same time the Muslim guys approaching me are all of the things you mentioned and a few more. I’m not really looking right now but if the stuff I’ve been seeing lately is any indication of what’s to come…I don’t even know what to say.

  3. Which is of course why you should adopt a kitty now. June is adopt a cat month, and shelters are bursting. Kitties make better companions then husbands anyways.

    http://www.animalhumanesociety.org/doublethelove

  4. Yeah, I guess all of us brothers are pieces of s–t. Man oh man oh man, I’m speechless.

    • Salaam A-R M,

      Good to know you are speechless.

      Gives you time to think about the problems both Muslim men and women face in today’s world of marriage bonds.

      But seriously folks, no one holds the market on being an idiot in the marriage department. Both men and women
      are capable of practicing idiocy in many manners.

      What you may want to consider, A-R M is how does this relate to you on a personal level…?

      I hear from lots of you youngun’s who are scared sh*tless into tying the knot. I don’t blame any of you. It is scary.

      What solutions do you propose A-R M, and other readers?

      Besides the no marriage option that is.

  5. Salafi Burnout

    And we already know how many communities protect triflin’ brothers but have no problem outing triflin’ sisters

    That is changing! We are no longer going to protect these evil ones

  6. I’m 30 and winding down with a hellish marriage #2 to a Syrian. Number 1 was with a Turk, but less awful. #2 has been a rough ride of strip clubs, him working all the time, and domestic violence. I still believe in love but you must have great wali!

  7. Salaam Sis, I stumbled upon you’re blog while I was searching for muslimah bloggers. I really appreciate your point of view on many things. I’ve never been married and honestly haven’t really started looking…my sisters have been through some CRAZY experiences with brothers that really has me looking the whole process as something I don’t even want to deal with. Its really sad. The ratio of quality brothers to quality sisters seems to get worse everyday. Oh well I guess. I know Allah will give each of us what is meant for us when the time is right! Salaam!

  8. Salam,

    Don’t get me wrong.

    I love my hubby of 31+ years dearly. As he loves me. But sometimes we do drive one another crazy.

    That’s life. And then some.

    But seriously folks, go for the cat adoptions.

    And you dudes out there, lighten up, or the possibilities of mates will get slimmer and slimmer as time goes by.

    Bend the ribs baby boys, don’t break them. Once broken, even duct tape doesn’t measure up for repairs.

    And you dudettes, embrace your curved ribs for the intelligent, sincere, beauties that they are.

  9. As-Salaamu ‘alaikum,

    @ARM: I don’t think she was calling all men shits, just saying that they exist and can be difficult to avoid even though you might take the necessary precautions. Some women are chancers as well as I pointed out earlier, but the male ones are more dangerous as they hold more power in a Muslim marriage. I have blogged in the past about males who marry women and make promises to their wives knowing that they cannot be held to them. In one case, I approached a family with a view to marrying their youngest daughter, but the girl had changed her mind because she wanted to study, and one of her older sisters had been promised that she would be allowed to carry on at college after marriage, but the man – a white “salafi” convert, “changed his mind” after marrying. I have also heard of men marrying sisters and promising to allow them to attend religious gatherings out of town, then “changing their minds” later.

    I do think some brothers have a sense of entitlement, and think that because they are supposedly so de-masculinised in society, Islam gives them a chance to “be a man” and demand rights they couldn’t demand of a non-Muslim woman. They don’t realise that Muslim women have most of the same expectations, as you might expect when they live in western society.

  10. “boss lady”. love that. having followed several of your former blogs i have every confidence that your reliance on Allah first and foremost will make this episode receed to memory real fast.

  11. As Salamu Alaykum my beautiful people.

    I have to say I agree with everyone on this page. Marriage is an important step in life and it is a shame that both men and women don’t take it seriously. It saddens me to hear that sisters are having such a hard time finding a compatible mate. But one thing is for certain if you are patient and make du’aa to Allah ta’ala he will give you anything you want and as muslims I know that we all believe that. And be specific in your du’aa, ask for a righteous tall dark brother, or a brother with a good paying job, or one with no kids, you know you can ask Allah for anything. That is the beautiful thing about this deen. Now for the sisters that opt to not get married. There is no harm in that. There is nothing in this deen that says you have to be married. You can remain single and you should be proud of your choice to remain single. It is a real shame that we have to be subjected to brothers and sisters that play around with Allah and His word. To use and abuse, to humiliate and cause depression. This is a sad state that we live in. May Allah correct all of our affairs and strengthen us……Ameen.

  12. I used to think that I never wanted to get married again after the pain and hurt that I experienced in my first marriage. I held on because I said that I only wanted to be married once. Eventually, I just asked Allah to protect me from what would harm me and my deen and do you know, he stripped everything about my ex out of my life. It took a while, but I am healing, I’m just about there fully, where now my heart desires to me married again. Boy, am I specific now, down to how his breath should smell. Allah hears about it 5+ times a day. If I didn’t have tawwakul in Allah, I would never remarry because there is so much corruption going on as it relates to marriage in this Ummah. I don’t want to run into a brother that is only marrying me for his on personal gain. I’d rather be alone.

    Trust when I say that I understand what the sisters and some of the brothers are saying about crooked brothers and sisters. The pain, ah man the pain is excruciating, when the one who proclaims to love you turns out to be so deceitful. Just lying and manipulating for the sake of lying and manipulating, forgetting that he or she will answer to Allah.

    Insha’Allah, Allah will send me the mate that he created for me when he created me. Ameen.

  13. I do not even know if I can say : “Sorry about your divorce”. because it does not seem like it was a bad thing.
    I am a hopeless romantic, so I’ll say: ” May Allah put the right brother in your path, inchallah”

  14. Please Muslimah’s help each other I need you guys to start working together we need you, the political world is not just for Muslim men you have a place and a right. Please take the initiative and start on online help site for Muslim Women linked to ours here at the UMN. We always talk about unity so practice it and lets work together around the world.

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