After my crazy week- crying, stressing, phoning, writing, and ripping and running I have finally settled down enough to think. I am have been reflecting on the lesson(s) my ex’s sudden death has taught me. Allah knows best but maybe I will learn more as I sort through my grief and make sense of this whole thing in my head.
The first lesson I’ve learned, which probably will sound cliche to most people, is you never know which day will be your last day. In fact, you never know which day will be someone else’s last day. I need to be mindful of how interact with people; how I speak to them, how I treat them, and what I say. Had I known I wasn’t going to see or talk to Moussa again the tone, content, and wording of our last conversation would’ve been completely different. I would’ve told him how deep within myself I was considering what he meant to me and to my life. Though I was telling him “no” in a clear, empathic manner, my heart was undecided. In all honesty, I was thinking about him and whether I should remarry him. Yes, I had my concerns about entering into another marriage with him but I was also being stubborn. In my own way I was trying to protect his feelings. I’ve always felt a sense of responsibility to him. I didn’t want him to feel lead on and I didn’t want to give him a false sense of hope. I never told him that I have a soft spot in my heart for him. Though we had our share of disagreements he never mistreated me. We had good times too…
The second lesson I learned is that Allah has a plan. I think about meeting Moussa (he was in D.C. and I as in Florida), moving to the Twin Cities, being married, divorcing, remaining friends, keeping in touch, him coming by for family dinners still, asking each other for forgiveness etc. and how it all fits together. I reflect on our conversations. I think about the decisions we made (good and bad). I think about his decision to put off having kids (when we were married) and then later my reluctance to do so. (Imagine if I we had children or imagine if we had remarried…I’d be a single parent, a widow). Everything happens for reason. I may not understand why or even think that it’s fair but it’s all a part of Allah’s divine decree. I know for fact that he was becoming stronger in his deen. We sat down one afternoon and talked about everything. On another day I met him in park and talked further. Now I feel it was as if we were making peace with one another without really knowing he was preparing for death. Subhanallah.
As I said, I am sure there are more lessons to be learned from this experience. I pray Allah allow me to receive them. Ameen.