With everything that has been going on, I didn’t realize that it has been a year since my ex, Moussa, was killed in the car accident. I think about everything that was happening last year and I can’t believe I’m still standing. Allah is truly merciful!
The proceedings for the civil case haven’t begun yet. I’m still working with the attorney and his cousin on the case. As I said before, the girl who killed him is in prison with not nearly enough time but she is there nonetheless. My current husband and I were driving and passed by the intersection where he was killed. It’s still unreal to me. Sometimes I can’t believe it. A couple of weeks ago I received a few gifts from my ex-sister-in-law in Mauritania. Mashallah. I’ve speak to them via a translator every now and then. Insha’allah, one day I would like to meet them.
I pray that Moussa receives the highest place in Jannah. Ameen.
As salaam alaikum everyone,
I decided to password protect my blog entries entitled “Imagine.” I did this because I realized the post was not achieving its intended purpose. I hoped to have some discussion about community life and how it can go awry. I was also hoping to use a situation that happened to me as a learning tool; as a lesson. I was hoping sisters (and brothers) could see how individual and community bias against a practice that is halal (no matter how people feel about it) could cause a community to descend into chaos and also for individuals to behave in unseemly ways. Again, I thought there were lessons to be learned.
Instead, it seems that people were more interested in handing out indictments, judgments and projecting their personal experiences onto the situation. I started to feel like some people felt they knew my situation and life experience better than I did. There was a lot of minimization of my experience and personal pain. Few people asked questions and assumptions reigned supreme. I was also disheartened to realize that how people felt about polygyny was more important than standing for justice or even trying to understand what happened in this particular situation. AND I feel that we got way off topic…
A blog reader- Margari- asked me if this was the best venue to tell my story. I realize now that it is not. As a community of Muslims, I feel we have a lot of growing to do. May Allah protect and guide us all. Ameen.
I have been reading you guys’ comments and you have me thinking about resuscitating my blog. Here’s the thing: when I first started blogging (not on this blog but on diaryland) I wrote a lot about my personal life. Then somehow I found myself increasingly writing about issues with personal stuff thrown in here and there. Of course, I still have issues that I’d like to write about but I also have a lot of personal things going on my life. More than anything, I want to write about those issues. For some reason as I was strolling through the skyways, I started thinking, why not? Much of what I am dealing with are the very kind of issues that someone needs to give a voice to. Writing as always been therapeutic for me. I think I’ll give it a try, insha’allah.
What do you guys think? Is anybody still reading? (I need to hear from lurkers too).
Alhamdulillah, I am doing better. Things have been CRAZY but Allah is always merciful. If I told you what I have been experiencing your jaws might drop. One of the things that happened to me is when I contacted various people in the community about my ex’s death they came in and completely took over, thereby excluding me. Their actions were hurtful to me on so many levels. One person actually tried to exclude me from viewing my ex’s body on the grounds that he is not Islamically “lawful” to me. WTH? I snapped on him telling him that I have seen more of my ex’s body than any of them. Besides, my ex and I had several conversations about him wanting me to take care of any arrangements in the event that he died in the United States (even after we were no longer together.) I agreed to do so. When I was prevented from being fully involved…it was like someone knocked the wind out of me. But Allah is merciful and he is the best of planners.
I was finally able to speak with my ex’s family in Mauritania through an interpreter. They thanked me for all that I have done (alhamdulillah) and told me I’m part of their family forever. Their words made the chaos, stress and hurt over being mistreated/excluded disappear. I pray that Allah make it easy for them. Ameen. Now, insha’allah, I am preparing to see what will happen with the criminal case and plan to attend the hearings.
There are some other developments in my life which I am not at liberty to discuss right now but know that Allah has truly blessed me. I asked for an epiphany this Ramadan and that is exactly what I received. Subhanallah!
What are yours? Please participate. Thank you. 🙂
Miss Manners, Judith Martin
1- I think I’m the only person in the world that doesn’t like honey. I want to gag as soon as I taste it. YUCK!
2- If I weren’t Muslim I would’ve pursued a singing career. I’ve always wanted to be the lead singer of a reggae band.
3- I’m actually quite shy. As long as you keep me talking about a subject I’m fine.
4- Every since my brother’s funeral, the smell of lilies makes me nauseous.
5- I’ve always wanted to attend a finishing school but I think I did that unofficially. I swear, my grandmother could’ve been Miss Manners.
Lately I’ve been asking myself a question. I’ve been asking myself why when I see something happen that is wrong (for instance something that is unfair, unjust or inequitable) I can’t just “let it go” as others around me do. Why am I so very disturbed? Why do I become upset? At times I have asked myself, What is wrong with you? Why you can’t just take things in stride? Why you always have to say or do something Shahidah? UGH! Just let it go. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one that has problem with the way an incident was handled or with the way a person was treated.
Then one day it hit me. Allah has placed something in me that does not allow me to witness injustice, unfairness or inequality and remain silent. I don’t like to be treated unfairly or with disrespect and I don’t like to see it happen to other people. I instantly feel compelled to say or do something. I can’t sit still. Obviously not everyone has this quality or if they do they may not vocalize their disagreement. I can’t help myself. Does it get me in trouble? Sometimes. Do I make enemies because of it? Sure. But I don’t care because someone has to tell the emperor that he’s wearing no clothes. I’m not rude about it though. And I think I have a pretty good idea about timing and wording. I know you can’t just say things whenever or however you’d like to. I also know when to fight the battle and when to just let something ride.
It seems like in 2009 I have been setting boundaries. One of the boundaries I’ve set is other people can’t come and impose their feelings onto me. I am no longer willing to let someone else tell me that I shouldn’t have certain feelings about an incident I witnessed (or was involved in) or that their understanding of situation is the only one. I can accept someone’s advice and maybe even their assistance in terms of helping me view a situation differently. But when it comes to the invalidation of my feelings…well, I am not accepting it. I have a right to my feelings. I’m not an irrational or unreasonable person so I don’t think someone has the right to do that to me. But I digress, the activist spirit in me resists complacency in the face of injustice. Alhamdulillah for that.
In case you didn’t know, aside from my spiritual development I have been on a quest to have a more interesting life. I’m tired of the same ole, same ole, stuck-in-rut vibe and want to make the best of my life right now. I want to get out there and do engaging, fun but halal things. So far, I think I’m on the right track. I’ve refused to limit myself or to talk myself out of trying something new. (Hence the Tai Chi class I took.) Now I’m on to something else…kick boxing?
For one, I’ve stuck by my kinda-sorta-New-Year’s-resolutions and I’ve been working out at Snap Fitness. I’ve been reading Quran almost everyday. I’ve taken the trip I’ve wanted to take FOREVER (Rhode Island) and now it’s time to kick into high gear. I’m currently thinking about what other things I can do. One of my friends finally got me (along with my sister) out to the skating rink…and on a weeknight (gasp!) I actually enjoyed myself even though my knee is still aching from when I fell. (Dang, I’m getting old).
So, what’s next? I don’t know. But one thing I’ve decided is to get rid of the b.s. in my life. No more fake people, no more people who drain my energy or waste my time, no more people who aren’t trying to be productive. As cliche as it sounds, life is too short. I’ve become comfortable with who I am and where I’m at in my life right now. If others can’t accept it then that’s their problem.
Since y’all/unna know I keep it real with you, I’m going to- FINALLY- put it out there and say one of the people I had to kick out my life was the man I married. I don’t want to go into a lot of detail but let’s just say after all of background checks, questioning, spending time, trips back and forth, he turned out to be other than what he presented himself to be. (Which goes to show that you can do everything right and still end up with a mess on your hands, ya Allah!) I tried to hang in there with him but it’s difficult to do when there’s no trust, no taking of responsibility and continual lies. So, I had to keep it moving like U-Haul.
But I digress. I’m living life and doing my thing. Where will I end up? Only Allah knows.