Category Archives: Love

I’m Never Getting Married Again 2

It’s amazing how things change in a year. Last May I wrote this post about Muslim women who have said they’re never getting married again. I strongly urged sisters to rethink their stance and said: “I am not going to let one person or even a couple of people deprive me of my right to love again. If you truly believe in Allah and believe that Allah can do anything then I don’t see why some sisters can’t believe that Allah will provide. No matter how dismal it looks.” While I still stand by that statement, I have to say, the thought of never getting married again has crossed my mind on a regular basis. It’s not that I don’t believe Allah can provide for me- because I do- it’s just sad to see the same ole stuff from brothers. I can definitely understand why sisters get tired of trying to sort through brother after brother, hoping for the right match. And even when you think you’ve found the right match you can never be sure. The brother can turn out to be a real beast. (And we already know how many communities protect triflin’ brothers but have no problem outing triflin’ sisters).

I’m not seriously looking for anyone right now but I’ve had brothers try to holler at me. These schmucks have given me pause- FOR REAL. There’s the ex-con, the ultra aggressive chauvinist, the brother who told me “paradise lies under the foot of the husband”, the deceiver, the game player and so much more. What a sad situation!

So, let me say to the sisters I wrote about back in May of last year: I am totally feelin’ you. Last year I didn’t fully understand where you’re coming from but I do now. Am I suggesting that I’ve given up on getting married again? No. But there are times when I feel like it’s not worth it. During those times I think about resigning myself to traveling, reading, studying, cats, and enjoying the companionship of male relatives. No headache and no b.s.

As the old song goes, I can do bad by myself.

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I think I’m in love with this song

Wow, beautiful lyrics, nice vocals.

I aint sayin’ I’m a gold digger…

Recently, I was having a conversation with a group of my friends and were talking about what constitutes a gold digger. Are you a gold digger if you expect a man to have enough money to support your future family? Are you a gold digger if you want a man who is well-established and financially sound? Are you a gold digger if you expect a man to be the leader, the head of the household? What is Islam’s position on the subject?

Typically, when the term comes up, people are speaking about a woman whose sole focus is how much money a man makes. She doesn’t care about his heart, his relationship with God, his family, his intelligence or anything else. She wants to know how much money he has and how much she can get from him. If she’s in it for the long run (as in marriage) she may want to know what kind of career he has and whether that career can financially sustain them. She wouldn’t even look in the direction of a man who doesn’t have a lot of money but is intelligent, spiritually grounded and ambitious. More than likely, she will not help the man strive for better, for more. This is my definition of a gold digger. (Though I don’t really like the term because it’s applied exclusively to women. Whereas a man who does the same thing is called what?) I know women like this. I have been friends with women like this. I could give you a 1001 reasons why they are the way they are but that is not my focus today.

What I want to know is why a sister who expects her husband to be financially sound is suddenly considered a gold digger by some. I’ve heard Muslim men complain about sisters expecting “too much” from them. When I ask what is considered “too much” you find out it’s the basics; have a stable job, a decent place to live, money to maintain a wife (and a future family), and some ambition, some goals. Maybe an education. A decent mahr. There are sisters who have expectations a little higher than that. They may want him to own a house, have money saved in the bank, and a job that is at a certain level. Is she wrong? (Especially if she comes from a family that has all of those things or can provide those things for herself). Men are the protectors and maintainers of women. Is it a sin to want a man who can adequately maintain and protect her?

Some brothers barely have a job, barely have a place to stay (or none at all), no car, little money, no ambition and expect a sister to be content with that. They quote Ahadith about women accepting little for a mahr and living on next to nothing. They use Ahadith to chastise sisters for expecting more from them. But I have a couple questions: Where will you live? How do you expect to pay the bills? How will you support a wife and kids? Do you have a career? Do you have REALISTIC goals and dreams? What are your plans for the future? Do you possess a deep, profound understanding of this deen? Are you able to translate your deep, profound understanding of the deen into practice? Or are you doing the five daily, reciting a little Quran but otherwise behaving like any other dude out here in the dunya? Does your little practice of Islam make you so exceptional that a sister should overlook your financial situation? (Because you have so much to offer her deen wise). Most importantly, why would a woman accept a man who can’t even financially maintain her in the way she is accustomed to?

Sorry ahki! My goal is to move UP not DOWN…forward not backwards. Some brothers can’t face the truth. Some sisters settle for less. They allow brothers to escape their responsibilities. All the while these brothers are convincing sisters they’re sacrificing in the name of Allah, Islam or following the Sunnah when the brother is actually half steppin’, using Islam as an excuse for his irresponsibility. *kiss teeth* Sisters, don’t fall for the “halal game” ’cause that’s actually what some brothers are running.

For you married folk…

20 romantic ways to show your sweetie you care no matter what the occasion.
By The Nest

Valentine’s Day, First-Date, Anniversary, Tuesday — when you’re in love, just about any day is a perfect excuse for sparking romance. Any time you feel the need to connect with your sweetheart, these ideas are perfect — no holiday necessary.
More from The Nest

1. Stuff a little love note in your sweetie’s pocket, sock, or shoe. For maximum impact, try email.

2. Secretly load a photo of the two of you as the desktop wallpaper on your honey’s computer.

3. Burn a CD with tunes from your dating days and include your first dance (or favorite) song.

4. Buy a heart-shaped cookie-cutter and use it to make toast the next morning.

5. Look up the date of the next full moon and celebrate with a champagne juice/soda/water toast.

6. Learn to ice skate or in-line skate together. This works best when both of you are beginners — the more clinging to each other, the better.

7. Hate basketball and your main squeeze is addicted to it? Get tickets to a game. Despise musicals? Surprise your sweetie with tickets to a show. Go against the grain, and endure with grace and cheer.

8. Spend the day at a museum, holding hands.

9. Forget breakfast in bed. Have dinner in bed (and don’t worry about the crumbs).

10. Go to bed early. No books, no magazines, no remote control.

11. Tell a secret — it’ll bring you closer.

12. Create your own [juice] cocktail together. Then make up a name for it by combining your two names.

13. Write “I Love You” on the steamy mirror while your beloved is in the shower.

14. Go to a bookstore or music store together, then split up. Your mission: Buy something you know your sweetie will love. Then, wrap and exchange. (I like this one!)

15. Have a picnic. It doesn’t have to be outdoors, it can be on your living room floor. (I like this one too!)

16. Absence is an aphrodisiac. Spend a weekend without each other (substitute your best pal, your sister, your old college roommate) and plan to meet back at your place after 48 hours apart.

17. Teach each other about something the other knows nothing about. He can teach her all the rules of chess, or how to make a perfect omelet. She can teach him ten phrases in French and how to use the digital camera. (How about Quran?)

18. Get away from it all close to home — spend a night in a very luxurious hotel or cozy bed-and-breakfast in your own city. (I like this one!)

19. Get dressed together — choose each other’s attire (for work, for dinner out, whatever). Then, later, get undressed together.

20. Find your sweetie’s car in the parking lot and tuck a love note under the windshield wiper.

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