Confession: I Wanna Have a Baby

I can’t believe I’m saying it either. Up until now I’ve relished in the fact that I’ve been 100% kid free. I can get up and go when I please, spend all of my money on myself and only have to think about taking care of myself. It has been a nice feeling, I can’t deny it. But something has happened to me all of a sudden. I don’t know if it’s turning 33 or what but I’m really starting to feel “the baby itch.” I was thinking about it today and I was asking myself, why are you making such a big deal about this? You can handle it. And you know what, I think I can. I just have to stop being afraid. Stop worrying about losing my independence or freedom. The rest is up to Allah.

Books I’d Like To See As Movies

I love reading and I love watching films. I think a book can be turned into an excellent movie if the production, screen writing, actors etc. are right for the part. There’ something to be said for seeing your favorite characters come to life in a movie. Here are five books I’d like to see turned into movies:

1) Leone Ross/All the Blood is Red

Synopsis: All the Blood is Red tells the story of four very different black women in 90s London. There is Jeanette, the original good-time girl, whose enthusiastic promiscuity defines her freedom; Nicola, a beautiful actress who creates an alter-ego to face the world and her own insecurities; Alexandrea, a borderline alcoholic who finds herself sexually harassed by a man she trusts and the mysterious Mavis, whose disembodied tale of prostitution in Jamaica weaves a poignant voice throughout the novel. These four women are brought together when one of them is savagely raped by a black man, and they discover that those who wear the cloak of friendship – family, community, lovers, peers -often cause the greatest pain, the pain of rejection and violation. This is the story of three women who learn how to love and be loved, how to be strong, how to be free…and of one woman who does not.

2)Marie-Elena John/Unburnable

Synopsis:
This compelling first novel traces the fortunes of three generations of women from the small Caribbean Island of Dominica. Matilda, descended from African slaves, was a famous healer and possible murderer. The story of her hanging was handed down in songs. Her daughter, Iris, was famous as the jilted lover of a rich man and the victim of a horrific rape. Her subsequent insanity and death also became legendary. Iris’ daughter, Lillian, was raised by her devoutly Catholic stepmother. Until the age of 15 she remains unaware that the infamous women of song are her legacy. Now living in Washington, D.C., the fragile, adult Lillian returns to Dominica to try to unravel the history of her family. The richly told narrative alternates between time periods, building suspense and compassion for all of the characters. Marta Segal Copyright © American Library Association.

3) Leila Aboulela/Minaret

Synopsis:
Aboulela’s U.S. debut is written in the voice of Najwa, an upper-class Sudanese woman, and covers, episodically, 20 years of her life. A Khartoum teen, Najwa flees to London with her mother and brother when the coup of 1985 leads to her father’s arrest and execution. With her mother soon dead and her brother in jail on drug charges, Najwa attempts to negotiate work, love and the ways they get twisted around emigré politics—and religion. An affair begun in Khartoum with devout, politically engaged, working-class fellow émigré Anwar is threaded in with a later one with Tamer, the contentiously devout, college-age son of the family for which Najwa works as a nanny when in her 30s. The denouements of the two relationships, though separated by more than 10 years, come one after the other; both lead, painfully, to a deepening of Najwa’s religious faith.

4) Andrea Levy/Fruit of the Lemon

Synopsis:
Levy’s follow-up to the Orange Prize– and Whitbread-winning Small Island explores how racism reveals itself to a young British-born woman of Jamaican descent, and how the pain can be healed by knowledge of one’s roots. Faith Jackson is having a rough go after college: she’s fired from her apprenticeship at a prestigious textile designer’s and her parents are planning to move back to Jamaica. Though Faith has experienced racism throughout her life, she begins to fear her ethnicity will hobble her career. As she becomes more aware of subtle forms of racism at her entry level job in the BBC costume department and elsewhere, she witnesses a hate crime and, in its aftermath, is sent to Jamaica by her parents for a helpful holiday. It’s there, in the second half of the book, that Faith learns a great deal about her extended family and understands why her parents may want to return. Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

5) Meera Syal/Life Isn’t All Ha Ha Hee Hee

Synopsis: Meera Syal’s second novel features a trio of close and somewhat unlikely childhood friends. Sunita, a former law student and activist, has married her university sweetheart Akash, and is settled into a life of overweight, underappreciated motherhood. Tania is a raven-maned beauty who’s rejected marriage and anything traditionally Asian for a high-flying TV career and a compliant Indophile boyfriend. And then there’s Chila. Innocent, kind, funny Chila, with her simple soul and her glass animal collection, has just, to everyone’s amazement, snared Deepak–the “most eligible bachelor within a twenty-mile radius.” What comes after that, alas, is infidelity and envy and betrayal. True to its stoic title, Life Isn’t All Ha Ha Hee Hee encompasses not only the strengths but the limits of female friendship. Yet the author retains her sense of humor and cross-cultural irony to the very end. –Lisa Gee

Happy Birthday to Me!

Yes, today I turned 33! Suprisingly I’m not sad about “getting older”. I’m grateful for every year Allah has given me. (And I suppose it helps that I don’t look 33 either!)

I’ve pretty much avoided the big birthday celebrations or trying to focus this day on me. One of my co-workers bought me coffee and another bought me lunch. My mom and my sister also have gifts for me. I think that’ll be the extent of my birthday celebration.

Alhamdulillah for another year.

Why Did You Delete the Marriage Blog?

I made the painful decision to delete the marriage blog. Why? Because I didn’t want it to be a source of fitnah for anyone. Unfortunately, some people were reading the blog like they would a tabloid.

My intention in creating the blog was not so that people can try to figure out who I was speaking about in the examples I gave. My intention was not to provide fodder for gossip or for people to derive some sort of perverse sense of pleasure off of my misery or the misery of others. My intention was to highlight the struggle, sorrows, up and downs, joys and triumphs of single/divorced Muslimahs using myself and my experience as an example. (With a few anecdotes from the lives of other sisters I’ve had the pleasure of knowing in my life). I also wanted to address issues that are often swept under the rug in the Muslim community. More importantly, I wanted to give voice to my experience.

Unfortunately, some people in my local community have discovered the blog. I fear that some of them will use my words against me. I’m afraid that they will not understand the point I was trying to make but instead twist its meaning. I’m afraid they will take my personal business and gossip about it rather than to use the information to promote much needed dialogue. I also don’t want them to make assumptions about which sisters I’m speaking of in my anecdotes. The fact of the matter is, I’ve lived in several different cities, travel reguarly, and I communicate with sisters (and brothers) across the country and around the globe . Some of them have shared their experiences with me so that I could address issues they’ve dealt with in my blog. My world is not so small that I have to draw every anecdote and situation from my local community. (Some people need to grow up!) The other thing is, I’d often change the location and sequence of events so that individuals’ identity remained protected. The only person I really put on blast was myself (and with good reason I hoped.) Yet, in the end it all comes down to this; fitnah, gossip, assumptions, and the like. I don’t want any part of that.

I apologize to all of the sisters (and brothers) who commented on the blog and/or emailed me privately to thank me for boldly discussing issues that were affecting our community and our sisters. In the end, blame the blog’s demise on haters and gossip mongers.

History, Culture and Memory

Recently, I was having a discussion with a couple of my co-workers and a few of my interns about family memorabilia. They discussed old family recipes, jewelry and so on. Everyone who knows me knows that I love history. More than anything I love African-American and Caribbean history. (Hence my major in college). As we were talking about families and history, I mentioned that my fiance actually has a copy of the deed which shows the slave master who owned his family. I said I wished I could find a document like that. I talked about the little I did know of my maternal family’s history which includes clear evidence of sharecropping. When I finished my little spiel, I noticed that everyone was quiet and looked uncomfortable. We eventually moved on to another subject.

Later on, when I thought about the silence and how uncomfortable my White co-workers (and interns) were, I became angry. I felt like they didn’t want to be reminded of America’s “dirty past”. They wanted to have a light-hearted conversation about family legacy. They didn’t want to face the fact that while their families enjoyed the good life, my family legacy consisted of segregation, Jim Crow, sharecropping, and slavery. Many people today (including some Black people) want to forget. They say we need to “get over it” and “move on”. I’ve also heard the suggestion that Black people use slavery as a crutch. (See my eyes rolling).

The fact remains that slavery is a part of America’s history. Not only is it a part of national history it is a part of my family history. If I refuse to talk about slavery or to acknowledge the historical struggle of my people I am essentially cutting myself off from my cultural and familial background. I’d basically be erasing myself. And I have to ask myself why someone would ask me to do that. Why? Is it to make White people feel comfortable? To ease their sense of guilt? Is it so that some Black people can forget the past and the shame some of them carry about it? I don’t know. But, insha’allah I will not do it. Apart from a few quacks here and there, I’ve never heard any suggest that the Jews should simply “get over” the Holocaust. I don’t see people sighing and rolling their eyes at the mere mention of the Holocaust. Nor do I see, like I have recently, people actually becoming angry at the mention of the Holocaust. So, why is the reaction to the African-American Holocaust so strong? After all, historians estimate at least 1 million Africans died during the Middle Passage alone! I don’t think I need to delve any further into the history.

The fact remains that I can’t forget slavery even if I wanted to. Slavery (and all the that followed afterwards) is the reason why I can only trace back my familial history a few generations. It’s the reason my family is so fractured and devastated. It’s the reason why I speak Jamaican patois and African-American dialect. It’s the reason why I eat greens and “play mas.” More importantly, it’s the reason why I can’t sit around with my White co-workers and discuss beautiful jewelry and a rich family history. Is that my fault? Hmm…

I Confess…

• I used to wish Patti Labelle was my mama. (She’s just so divalicious!) I remember when it started; she was playing Dewayne Wayne’s mama on A Different World.
• I haven’t been home to Jamaica in almost 4 years.
• I was hurt when I found out Kanye West is engaged. Was hurt even more when I saw his fiance- yeah, I know, get a life Jamerican!
• I used to have a crush on an imam. I also had a crush on my halaqah teacher. *bows head in shame*
• I’m a bonafide girly girl. 100% femininity. And I’m prissy too!
• I bought myself Eid gifts; Mary J. Blige’s new CD, Lupe Fiasco’s new CD, a pair of socks, some bangles and new gloves.
• I have way less money than people think I have.
• I sometimes miss clubbing.
• Every man’s mama who has ever met me loved me. I guess that makes me the type of woman you can bring home to mother.
• I’m a loner. I enjoy being by myself most of the time. Being around people on a regular basis leaves me feeling exhausted.
• I’m a lotion freak. I have three different types of lotion in my purse, one on my desk at work, and at least six different types at home. When I go to Target or Walgreens I make a conscious effort to avoid the aisle with lotion.
• I’m tired of being strong all the time. I just want to be taken care of for once. I’ve never enjoyed the luxury. And I’ve never trusted a man enough to let him take care of me.
• I wanted to cuss someone out today.

Salatul Mahgrib

He is Allah, the Creator, the Evolver, the Bestower of Forms (or Colours). To Him belong the Most Beautiful Names: whatever is in the heavens and on earth, doth declare His Praises and Glory: and He is the Exalted in Might, the Wise. (Quran, 54:29)

My mom’s cat normally comes to pray with me. I took the picture posted above to prove it. Today when I called the iqama she entered the room and sat down as I prayed. While I was in between Mahgrib and my sunnah salaat I decided to grab my cell phone and take the picture posted above. (Yeah, she’s not exactly facing the kiblah but I’m sure she’s allowed). Mashallah, it’s the most beautiful thing. Sometimes she will lay down beside me and other times she will sit like she is in the picture. She’ll stay like that until the fard salaat is over. Subhanallah, she knows when it’s finished too.

Am I becoming a crazy cat lady?

My Current Playlist

1)Alicia Keys “Wreckless Love.” I’m not really an Alicia Keys fan. I liked a couple songs on “The Diary of Alicia Keys” but I’vie never felt compelled to purchase any of her music. All of that has changed now. I’m madly in love with the aforementioned song. I can’t stop listening to it! As far as the entire CD is concerned, I think she did a great job this time around. Her music has matured and she’s finally “sangin’.”

2) Kanye West “Can’t Tell Me Nothing.” Another artist I’m not really a fan of. I find Kanye West to be a little on the arrogant side. Yeah, he has a different kind of style and he’s reppin’ my hood (southside Chicago) but he’s not a lyricist. Besides, something about him has always annoyed me. When “Graduation” dropped I decided to give it a listen just see what all the hype was about. Why did I do that? Now I’m diggin’ the CD and I’m definitely feelin’ this song. It just strikes a chord in me. If I was as crazy as I sometimes feel, I’d stand on my desk at work and sing the chorus at the top of my lungs: “La, la, la wait til I get my money right/la, la, la then you caint tell me nuthin’ riiiight!” Yes world, I’m coming out- I like Kanye West! Oh the shame…

3) Tessanne “Hideaway.” Someone told me this song was originally sang by the Dixie Chicks. I’ve never listened to them before so I wouldn’t know. But my girl Tessanne is singing this tune! I like the way the song blends reggae, rock, and a little dancehall together. I admit it, when I’m in the car by myself I sing this song like I’m live on stage.

4) Queen Ifrica “Below Waist.” Ahh, the refreshing lyrics and conscious tunes of a true Rasta woman. It came right on time! I’ve been very disappointed with the state of dancehall lately. It’s as bad as some of the hip hop with the cursing and vulgarity. That’s why I’m loving Queen Ifrica. This tune portrays a real side of relationships/marriage. It’s a little humorous too.

5) Wyclef Jean feat. Sizzla “Welcome to the East”. Wyclef used to irritate me like no tomorrow. Something about his voice or style grated on my nerves. I don’t know what happened but I’m feeling his new CD. A close runner up to “Welcome to the East” is a song he has with T.I. called “Slow Down.” Sak Pase!

6) Jill Scott “Epiphany.” I’m a Jill Scott fan all day. Her new CD is rather…um…sensual (to say the least.) I can’t say much more about this song. I probably shouldn’t be listening to it. I’m getting the point though.

7) Mario “Skippin.’” My best friend has been raving about Mario’s new music. I thought she was trippin’ until I listen to the CD and was blown away. Mario has grown up and you can hear it in the music. Tight vocals, production and lyrics. This will be my one CD purchase for the next few months. “Skippin’” is my favorite track.

8) J. Holiday “Bed.” Yeah, I know! I feel like a teenager for listening to this song. I can no longer fake it though. I like it. *singing* “Watch the sunlight peek over the horizooooon…”

9) Alaine “Sincerely.” I’m anxiously awaiting the release of her CD. Alaine is a Jamerican like me. She has a light, feathery voice that glides over any reggae beat. Yeah, she whines a little sometimes but she’s allowed. Gwaan Miss Alaine!

10)Hope “Who Am I to Say?” This song is from the “Why Did I get Married?” soundtrack. Naturally, I first heard it during one of the scenes in the movie. I looked the artist up on myspace and found out she’s not even signed to a label yet. I’ve written plenty of poems to this song. Thanks for the inspiration Hope!

11) Wayne Wonder feat Trina “For My Love.” I wish I could edit Trina out of this song. Her voice sounds like nails on a chalkboard. I like Wayne Wonder’s voice on the track and I like the rhythm. I recently found out Wayne Wonder lived down the street from my old place in South Florida. I never saw him though…

Why is it so hard?

As soon as Ramadan finishes I usually make up the days I missed right away. However, this time the days got away from way from me and now I find myself struggling to complete the four days I owe. Alhamdulillah, I fasted Monday and yesterday but I find myself wanting to put off the rest of the days. I keep telling myself, you can complete the other days before December is finished, what’s the rush?

EHHHHHHHHHHH! Why is this so difficult for me? Why can’t I just do it? Is my will power really this weak? I’m forcing myself to fast tomorrow, insha’allah. The question is, when will I complete the other days? My office has “tea time” on Friday, insha’allah and since one of my interns is leaving, I have to be present for it.(Drinking tea of course). Saturday I have lunch with my co-workers, insha’allah.

So I guess I’m looking at Sunday and Monday insha’allah. Then fasting for The Day of Arafah. That leaves me one day to make up. Hmm, maybe I’m not so bad after all…

Le weekend

Friday afternoon my sister called me and told me she was over at my mom’s house. She wanted to know if I was planning to go to the mosque (for the Friday night lecture) or if I was coming home. I know she’s waiting for the day when I’m going to make my
Jamaican oxtail. She’s afraid she’s going to miss it even though I told her I’d call her when I make them. She’s been eyeing the oxtail every time she comes over, lol. We ended up going to get Somali food and chillin’ at home. It was FREEZING outside. The temperature was like -14 or something crazy. Needless to say, I wasn’t trying to be outside any longer than I had to.

Saturday night was “ladies night out”. I only recently became a part of the outing. It’s basically like 7 or 8 African-American Muslim sisters who get together every other Friday or Saturday night and do something together. This time we went to eat Thai food and then we went to see a play. The play was written by an Iranian women and depicted the oppression she suffered in Iran. We had a lively discussion about it afterwards because most of the group hated it and a few people liked it. As you can imagine, if you know anything about Iran, the play had a classic anti-hijab theme, a scene with a woman leading salaat (with the men behind the women) and some discussion about Islam. I felt, overall, the playwright fed right into the western media stereotype about Islam and Muslim women. I felt like the message it left the audience with was “I’m so free now that I’ve taken off my hijab and have disobeyed Allah”. It was a weird dynamic to be there and watch the play since all seven of us showed up in hijab.

Don’t get me wrong here, I understand and have great sympathy for the struggles Iranian women face. Islam or hijab were never forced on me. I chose to be Muslim and I chose to wear hijab. Furthermore, Islam has functioned as source of peace and liberation for me. I don’t know it as anything different so I admit my bias here. I just hate it when people think that Islam oppresses women rather than people and their interpretations of Islam. Ya know what I mean?

After we left the play we went to a coffee house down the street and hung out until it closed. The playwright, the cast, and some of the audience also came to the coffee house. I think politeness prevented us from sharing our thoughts about the play with her. After all, she was kind of celebrating with the cast. Eventually she came over to our table and asked how we heard about the play and thanked us for coming. I wanted to ask for my $15 back. (Just kidding).

Sunday I began the daunting task of going through my things and deciding what I need to give away or throw away before the big move. One would think I’d acquire less “stuff” since I move so much. Yet every time I move I find myself in this situation…When I think about it, I realized I’ve moved every single year since I was a freshman in college. I need to get somewhere and settle y’all. FOR REAL!