Moving Forward

Alhamdulillah, I am doing better. Things have been CRAZY but Allah is always merciful. If I told you what I have been experiencing your jaws might drop. One of the things that happened to me is when I contacted various people in the community about my ex’s death they came in and completely took over, thereby excluding me. Their actions were hurtful to me on so many levels. One person actually tried to exclude me from viewing my ex’s body on the grounds that he is not Islamically “lawful” to me. WTH? I snapped on him telling him that I have seen more of my ex’s body than any of them. Besides, my ex and I had several conversations about him wanting me to take care of any arrangements in the event that he died in the United States (even after we were no longer together.) I agreed to do so. When I was prevented from being fully involved…it was like someone knocked the wind out of me. But Allah is merciful and he is the best of planners.

I was finally able to speak with my ex’s family in Mauritania through an interpreter. They thanked me for all that I have done (alhamdulillah) and told me I’m part of their family forever. Their words made the chaos, stress and hurt over being mistreated/excluded disappear. I pray that Allah make it easy for them. Ameen. Now, insha’allah, I am preparing to see what will happen with the criminal case and plan to attend the hearings.

There are some other developments in my life which I am not at liberty to discuss right now but know that Allah has truly blessed me. I asked for an epiphany this Ramadan and that is exactly what I received. Subhanallah!

Two Lessons I’m Learning

After my crazy week- crying, stressing, phoning, writing, and ripping and running I have finally settled down enough to think. I am have been reflecting on the lesson(s) my ex’s sudden death has taught me. Allah knows best but maybe I will learn more as I sort through my grief and make sense of this whole thing in my head.

The first lesson I’ve learned, which probably will sound cliche to most people, is you never know which day will be your last day. In fact, you never know which day will be someone else’s last day. I need to be mindful of how interact with people; how I speak to them, how I treat them, and what I say. Had I known I wasn’t going to see or talk to Moussa again the tone, content, and wording of our last conversation would’ve been completely different. I would’ve told him how deep within myself I was considering what he meant to me and to my life. Though I was telling him “no” in a clear, empathic manner, my heart was undecided. In all honesty, I was thinking about him and whether I should remarry him. Yes, I had my concerns about entering into another marriage with him but I was also being stubborn. In my own way I was trying to protect his feelings. I’ve always felt a sense of responsibility to him. I didn’t want him to feel lead on and I didn’t want to give him a false sense of hope. I never told him that I have a soft spot in my heart for him. Though we had our share of disagreements he never mistreated me. We had good times too…

The second lesson I learned is that Allah has a plan. I think about meeting Moussa (he was in D.C. and I as in Florida), moving to the Twin Cities, being married, divorcing, remaining friends, keeping in touch, him coming by for family dinners still, asking each other for forgiveness etc. and how it all fits together. I reflect on our conversations. I think about the decisions we made (good and bad). I think about his decision to put off having kids (when we were married) and then later my reluctance to do so. (Imagine if I we had children or imagine if we had remarried…I’d be a single parent, a widow). Everything happens for reason. I may not understand why or even think that it’s fair but it’s all a part of Allah’s divine decree. I know for fact that he was becoming stronger in his deen. We sat down one afternoon and talked about everything. On another day I met him in park and talked further. Now I feel it was as if we were making peace with one another without really knowing he was preparing for death. Subhanallah.

As I said, I am sure there are more lessons to be learned from this experience. I pray Allah allow me to receive them. Ameen.