My Covenant with Allah
Posted by: Boss Lady on: February 8, 2010
O Prophet! When the believing women come to you to take the oath of allegiance, take their pledge; that they will not commit shirk with Allah, that they will not steal, that they will not commit fornication, that they will not kill their children, that they will not give any cause for scandal which they may invent between either their hands or legs (a woman accusing another woman of an illicit relationship with a man and spreads such stories – or – a woman carrying an illegitimate child and makes her husband believe that it is his), and that they will not disobey you in any just matter, then accept their allegiance and pray to Allah for their forgiveness. Surely, Allah is Oft-forgiving, most Merciful. (Quran Surah 60, Ayah 12)
This morning my husband and I were having a discussion about Surah 60, ayah 10-11 and I had an epiphany of sorts when I came to ayah 12. I wondered how differently I would’ve viewed my shahadah (the declaration of faith I said to become Muslim) if I had felt Surah 60, ayah 12 was not only a standard of being a Muslim woman but also a requirement. I wondered how differently the Muslim community (more particularly the African-American Muslim community) would be if all the other women who accepted Islam as their way of life understood the same. What would the African-American Muslim community look like if these were the values upheld by everyone?
You may be saying to yourself, it goes without saying that a Muslim woman should not do any of the things mentioned in this ayah. However, as we all know, there are women who become Muslim and do not understand the seriousness of the oath that they taking. More pointedly, when women take shahadah, I am not altogether sure that the expectation of how they will behave and what principles they are expected to uphold are spelled out as clearly as they are this ayah. Nor is their acceptance into the Muslim community contingent upon the criteria laid out in the Surah 60, ayah 12. (I am not a scholar of Quran but also implicit in the ayah is that women who are already a part of the community- by birth or as a longtime converts -are upholding these principles as well).
It’s amazing how many times I’ve read this ayah but never came to this understanding until recently. Subhanallah…the Quran is beautiful like that.
Okay ladies, I have changed my mind (again)
Posted by: Boss Lady on: January 22, 2010
So, that thing about not wanting to have kids…well, it’s gone. I want to have a baby. More specifically a little girl (if Allah so wills). I want a sweet, cute, little [chocolate] dark brown girl. A child prodigy. What has changed? I don’t know. Allah has put it in my heart. Also, the love a good man can change many things. Yes, indeed… 
10 Things I learned this past year
Posted by: Boss Lady on: January 9, 2010
This past year has been a blessing in more ways than one. Allah (s.w.t.) has put in a position where I have not only been able to have certain experiences but I have been able to observe the experiences of others and learn from them. As we enter into a new year, I am excited to see what else Allah has in store for me, insha’allah.
Here is a list of 10 things I learned last year (in no particular order):
1) Watch the friends you keep. My grandmother always said this to me. It was drilled in me since I was a child. Yet, I have found myself in a position where I’ve had to question the company I kept and whether they had my best interests in mind. To be quite honest with you, other women have never really liked me. I am reserved (they interpret it as snobbish), I am confident (they see it as arrogance), I am outspoken and love to debate (they wish I would just be quiet, stop taking the attention away from them) and top it off I am attractive-Alhamdulillah- which makes me more of a threat. (Never mind the ugly duckling phase I went through).
2) It is very difficult to survive as a Muslim without a community. Try as you might, be the hermit, the stand alone genius or what have you but it’s not going to work. I’ve seen people try to exist as Muslims away from everyone else (I have done it as well) and I am telling you it won’t last long term. Our entire way of life depends on community. What we need to focus on is building healthy communities. Therein lies the problem my friends.
3) My feminist leaning needs to be balanced out by compassion and the spirit of cooperation and compromise. How can we have a healthy community if our relationship with men is going to be a competitive, adversarial one? Yes, Muslim women need to challenge sexist, misogynistic treatment in our community. There is no question or doubt about that. However, I noticed that I was becoming combative towards men. I have been so angry about the sexist treatment of women that it had become difficult for me to see men as allies and partners- even in a marriage relationship. How productive is that attitude?
4) Self-acceptance is a beautiful thing. I know who I am; the good aspects, the not so good aspects and everything in between. If other women don’t like me because of who I am then that’s their problem. I am not saying I am beyond reproach. I am not suggesting that I never behave in ways that are rude or dismissive towards other people (which may cause them to dislike me.) For all intents and purposes, I am speaking about those who are haters. Those who harbor jealousy and negative feelings towards other people for the good qualities or characteristics that Allah has blessed them with. The bottom line is that you need to know and accept yourself. You’ll be happier in the long run.
5) You are not promised tomorrow and neither is anyone else. I have illustrated this point in a previous post. After the sudden death of my ex-husband I realized how short our lives are. How many times do we hear this saying and how many times does it give us momentary pause? I am not suggesting that you should always think about death but you definitely should think about your mortality or the mortality others. There’s no faster behavior modifier than death.
6) Facebook is addictive. Have you been wondering what happened to me; where I have been these days? Faceook. As a result, I have neglected my blogs and don’t read other people blogs as much as I used to- which also affected my writing because other people’s blogs often serve as inspiration for mine. I am always striving for balance so I decided to take a 2 week vacation from Facebook and when I return, insha’allah, I am going to reduce the amount of time I spend on it.
7) Parenting is a job that must not be taken lightly. One of the things that has terrified me about the possibility of becoming a parent is how much responsibility it requires. You are molding human beings! I have noticed that a good number of parents have a casual, relaxed attitude when it comes to parenting. Some people have given up all together. In the Muslim community where the emphasis is on quantity rather than quality, I shudder to think what the next generation is going to look like. Don’t get me wrong here, I have met some wonderful parents who have made me second guess my not-having-any-kids-stance. It’s the dysfunctional, lackadaisical parents I’m concerned about…
8 ) I must continue to question the Islamic accepted norm. This part year, more than ever before has forced me to reevaluate the practices and beliefs that I have accepted as credible even though I have never seen evidence to prove it. I realize we, as Muslims, continue to interpret things literally, often missing the spirit of the Quran and Sunnah. We have also become obsessed with rituals. Somehow, much of what we accept as true lacks careful evaluation or reflection. Beliefs and practices has become “the way Muslims understand it” or the way “things have always been.” (I really want to use an example but I am afraid we will descend into an argument over the example rather than considering the overall message).
9) I love makeup! Thanks to youtube and the various makeup tutorials available on there. I don’t wear foundation, blush or lipstick but I enjoy eyeshadow, lip gloss and eyeliner. I think it’s fun to play around with the different products.
10) The less television I watch the better. I think this needs no explanation…I hope.
An Obituary
Posted by: Boss Lady on: January 6, 2010
An Obituary printed in the London Times – Interesting and sadly rather true.
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who
has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was,
since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn’t always fair;
- and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend
more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children,
are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens
suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher
fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly
children. It declined even further when schools were required to get
parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student;
but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted
to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses;
and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common
Sense took a beating when you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar
in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in
her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was
preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife,
Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now,
Someone Else Is To Blame, and I’m A Victim
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If
you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do
nothing
Coping with slander and backbiting
Posted by: Boss Lady on: November 21, 2009
Character assassination is an attempt to tarnish a person’s reputation. It may involve exaggeration or manipulation of facts to present an untrue picture of the targeted person. It is a form of defamation and can be a form of ad hominem argument.
For living individuals targeted by character assassination attempts, this may result in being rejected by his community, family, or members of his or her living or work environment. Such acts are often difficult to reverse or rectify, and the process is likened to a literal assassination of a human life. The damage sustained can last a lifetime or, for historical figures, for many centuries after their death.
In practice, character assassination may involve double speak, spreading of rumors, innuendo or deliberate misinformation on topics relating to the subject’s morals, integrity, and reputation. It may involve spinning information that is technically true, but that is presented in a misleading manner or is presented without the necessary context. For example, it might be said that a person refused to pay any income tax during a specific year, without saying that no tax was actually owed due to the person having no income that year.
The aforementioned Wikipedia quote summarizes what I have been going through for the past few months. One of the major tests Allah (s.w.t.) has given me is to deal with the fall out from slander and backbiting. Recently, I made a choice that many people in my community did not agree with. This resulted in rumors and gossip spreading. There have been a great deal of assumptions made about me and my character. The rumors and gossip eventually turned into slander and backbiting whose end result is character assassination. I am in no way a good comparison to Aisha (r.a.) but I can imagine the pain she must’ve felt when people accused her of doing something she did not do. Aside from the backbiting, innuendo and assumptions (if I could even begin to put them aside), as a woman, there is nothing more horrific than having people say or imply that you committed the egregious sin of zina when you know you have been chaste. At first, I brushed the rumors off, chalking them up to childishness and misinformation on part of some. Eventually, I realized why slander is a major sin in Islam. (Particularly when the slander is of the sexual nature and in relation to a woman’s chastity). It is very difficult to recover from such attacks once the word has been put out there. When people meet you, whatever they were told or heard about you precedes you. As a woman, slander may influence any future choice for marriage, put you honor into question, and make it difficult for you to feel comfortable in your community. For now, I am wearing a scarlet letter.
Alhamdulillah, I am a strong person and I understand some things about life. I ask Allah (s.w.t.) to vindicate me. I ask Allah’s forgiveness for anything I have done wrong. I ask Allah (s.w.t.) never to make my wrongs fair-seeming to me. And most importantly, I ask Allah to help and to guide us all. Ameen.
How can a person cope with backbiting, slander and character assassination?
Epiphany #…
Posted by: Boss Lady on: October 29, 2009
Everything I have: my skills, my abilities, my intelligence, my strength, my beauty, my love, my knowledge, my relationships, and my material possessions are from Allah. If a person despises me, is jealous of me or works to undermine any of that then they should know they are fighting Allah (s.w.t.) and not me. I can only be successful by Allah’s leave. I can only fail because of some inadequacy on my part or because it is part of Allah’s divine decree.
When facing adversity (especially in regards to other human beings) or even striving for something better, I remind myself:
“…If the whole nation were to gather together to benefit you they would only benefit you with that which Allaah had already written for you and if the whole nation were to gather to harm you they could only harm you with that which Allaah had already written to harm you. The pen has been lifted and the ink has dried (a phrase meaning: everything has been decreed or settled)”. [At-Tirmithi]
In the language of the hood: you can’t knock the hustle…
Moving Forward
Posted by: Boss Lady on: September 18, 2009
Alhamdulillah, I am doing better. Things have been CRAZY but Allah is always merciful. If I told you what I have been experiencing your jaws might drop. One of the things that happened to me is when I contacted various people in the community about my ex’s death they came in and completely took over, thereby excluding me. Their actions were hurtful to me on so many levels. One person actually tried to exclude me from viewing my ex’s body on the grounds that he is not Islamically “lawful” to me. WTH? I snapped on him telling him that I have seen more of my ex’s body than any of them. Besides, my ex and I had several conversations about him wanting me to take care of any arrangements in the event that he died in the United States (even after we were no longer together.) I agreed to do so. When I was prevented from being fully involved…it was like someone knocked the wind out of me. But Allah is merciful and he is the best of planners.
I was finally able to speak with my ex’s family in Mauritania through an interpreter. They thanked me for all that I have done (alhamdulillah) and told me I’m part of their family forever. Their words made the chaos, stress and hurt over being mistreated/excluded disappear. I pray that Allah make it easy for them. Ameen. Now, insha’allah, I am preparing to see what will happen with the criminal case and plan to attend the hearings.
There are some other developments in my life which I am not at liberty to discuss right now but know that Allah has truly blessed me. I asked for an epiphany this Ramadan and that is exactly what I received. Subhanallah!
Two Lessons I’m Learning
Posted by: Boss Lady on: September 4, 2009
After my crazy week- crying, stressing, phoning, writing, and ripping and running I have finally settled down enough to think. I am have been reflecting on the lesson(s) my ex’s sudden death has taught me. Allah knows best but maybe I will learn more as I sort through my grief and make sense of this whole thing in my head.
The first lesson I’ve learned, which probably will sound cliche to most people, is you never know which day will be your last day. In fact, you never know which day will be someone else’s last day. I need to be mindful of how interact with people; how I speak to them, how I treat them, and what I say. Had I known I wasn’t going to see or talk to Moussa again the tone, content, and wording of our last conversation would’ve been completely different. I would’ve told him how deep within myself I was considering what he meant to me and to my life. Though I was telling him “no” in a clear, empathic manner, my heart was undecided. In all honesty, I was thinking about him and whether I should remarry him. Yes, I had my concerns about entering into another marriage with him but I was also being stubborn. In my own way I was trying to protect his feelings. I’ve always felt a sense of responsibility to him. I didn’t want him to feel lead on and I didn’t want to give him a false sense of hope. I never told him that I have a soft spot in my heart for him. Though we had our share of disagreements he never mistreated me. We had good times too…
The second lesson I learned is that Allah has a plan. I think about meeting Moussa (he was in D.C. and I as in Florida), moving to the Twin Cities, being married, divorcing, remaining friends, keeping in touch, him coming by for family dinners still, asking each other for forgiveness etc. and how it all fits together. I reflect on our conversations. I think about the decisions we made (good and bad). I think about his decision to put off having kids (when we were married) and then later my reluctance to do so. (Imagine if I we had children or imagine if we had remarried…I’d be a single parent, a widow). Everything happens for reason. I may not understand why or even think that it’s fair but it’s all a part of Allah’s divine decree. I know for fact that he was becoming stronger in his deen. We sat down one afternoon and talked about everything. On another day I met him in park and talked further. Now I feel it was as if we were making peace with one another without really knowing he was preparing for death. Subhanallah.
As I said, I am sure there are more lessons to be learned from this experience. I pray Allah allow me to receive them. Ameen.
Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji’un
Posted by: Boss Lady on: August 26, 2009
As saalam alaikum everyone,
These last few days have been unreal. My ex-husband was recently killed in a car accident while on his way home from Taraweeh. (May Allah grant him the highest place in Jannah. Ameen.) Though he was my ex-husband we were still very good friends. His death has reminded me that none of us are promised tomorrow.
To be honest with you, I carry some guilt which I know is irrational. Just a couple weeks ago we had spoken and he was telling me he thought we should remarry. I told him it wasn’t a good idea. I keep thinking about how lonely he was living in his apartment by himself (he invited me to come over many times but I declined), his desire to have children (he felt he was getting old) and how much he missed our relationship. I feel guilty for being so stubborn…at minimum I could’ve been kinder to him even though I didn’t think getting back together was a good idea.
Here is the article:
A ‘trailblazer,’ crash victim was ‘coming into his own’
By ANTHONY LONETREE, Star Tribune
August 24, 2009
No one knows exactly where he was coming from early Sunday — perhaps a mosque or the food shelf where he volunteered — but Moussa Maayif definitely had his life together when it ended so tragically in St. Paul.
A native of Mauritania in northwestern Africa, Maayif, 39, had recently been promoted at Boston Scientific, his ex-wife said Monday, and was studying for an MBA at the University of St. Thomas.
Still, he yearned for more, Shahidah Siraaj said, recalling their last conversation a few weeks ago, “something even more spiritual.” He wanted to “give back,” she said, and he was doing so by volunteering for a nonprofit group, Building Blocks.
“I think I told him that he was really coming into his own,” Siraaj said.
But at 12:15 a.m. Sunday, at University Avenue and Vandalia Street, Maayif was killed — the victim of a crash so violent that his vehicle went airborne into a utility pole, shearing it at its foundation outside the Dubliner Pub, 2162 University Av.
On Monday, as the driver of the other vehicle, Jacqueline M. Wagner, 20, was charged with criminal vehicular homicide, Siraaj said she wants his story known: “I’d like to put a face to who he is,” she said.
Though they divorced in 2007 after three years of marriage, “we were still very much friends,” she said.
On Sunday, Wagner, of New Brighton, known as Jacqui to her family, was among several hundred people watching street racing in an industrial area near University Avenue and Transfer Road, police said.
According to the complaint filed Monday in Ramsey County District Court, a police officer arrived at the scene about 12:15 a.m., and in an effort to clear the parking lots, activated his emergency lights. Wagner sped off, the complaint said, and the officer followed, shining a spotlight on her Honda Civic as she drove on Ellis Avenue — parallel to University Avenue — at more than 60 miles per hour. At Ellis Avenue and Vandalia Street, about one-third of a mile north of University Avenue, Wagner took a hard left, again at nearly twice the speed limit, and passed other vehicles by driving south in the northbound lanes, the complaint said.
For a moment, after she shifted into the proper lane on Vandalia Street, the officer thought that she might stop. Instead, Wagner allegedly sped up again, ran a red light and then struck Maayif’s vehicle, which was headed east on University Avenue.
Wagner was taken to Regions Hospital in St. Paul for treatment of minor injuries. There, police suspected she might be under the influence of drugs. A blood sample was sent to the state Bureau of Criminal Apprehension for analysis.
Jacqui’s father, Paul Wagner, has described his daughter as a “very good kid” who was devastated by what happened.
She is scheduled to make her first court appearance today.
Siraaj said she was at work when she learned that her mother, whom Maayif had listed as a contact, had been called by the medical examiner’s office. Then, the ex-wife said, she saw the news images of the shattered utility pole, and the mug shot of the suspect.
Now, Siraaj said, she thinks of his family. Maayif, one of 12 children, was “the trailblazer” who came to America on his own, and who continued to support his family financially, Siraaj said. He was a good man, she said, and she wants to make sure “he doesn’t end up like a ‘John Doe.’”
Staff writer Allie Shah contributed to this report. Anthony Lonetree • 612-673-4109
You can watch the local coverage here
Some pics of him here.
Ramadan Mubarak
Posted by: Boss Lady on: August 22, 2009
Another Ramadan is upon us! It seems like it came in so quick this year. For me, it came so suddenly that I haven’t had time to think about my goals for the month. Insha’allah, I need to get on the ball quick. One thing that I am grateful to Allah (s.w.t.) for is my personal growth and development. I’ve experienced so many epiphanies this year, mashallah. I’ve also had wonderful support.
I hope you all have a successful and inspirational Ramadan. (Ameen). What are your goals?
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